On a chilly day in February, me and Garrett were discussing the merits of walking through the snow to get discount wings in the various establishments around Uptown. But then we did not want to get really cold walking around, so we went down the street to Michael’s. Here’s how it went.

Ambiance

Michael’s is one of the “authentic” Chicago pizza places. If you didn’t know this yet, G*ordano’s and L*u M*lnati’s are corporate slop. Deep Dish was created in a lab to generate ROI. Tavern-style pizza is the real Chicago pizza.

Michael’s is essentially a sports bar with pizza, wings, and beer. Sometimes an old man who doesn’t look like an employee hangs out behind the bar. If I had to guess, he’s probably Michael.

It’s cute, there’s enough seating for everyone, and they play all sorts of sports including the ones with women. Ambiance is like a 8.5/10.

Drink Review (& Pizza Review)

I ordered an IPA. Me and Garrett shared a deep dish because we thought it would make for good meal prep. We usually get a tavern-style pizza, but then we eat the whole pizza. If you want to be economical, you should get a deep dish and take home 2/3rds of it for later.

The pizza was pretty good. Deep dish is never great but it’s always nice enough. Like a calzone or a casserole. It was nice to reheat in the air fryer throughout the week.

The beer was also good. Kinda expensive. But that’s fine. We were cold and did not want to walk a hundred miles to hunt the best deal. Food and drink is 8/10.

Safe for Girls & Gays?

So it is a sports bar and the bathrooms have genders. Generally, everyone who lives in this area is woke. However, you know, sometimes there are like, weird midwest dudes in quarter-zips hanging out. But like it’s fine. They should probably get a pride flag or something. 7/10.

Overall

I <3 Michael’s Pizza. Yum. I love buying a pizza and taking most home and putting it in the fridge.

It was also fun to watch women’s doubles tennis with Garrett because he knows about sports and I don’t, so I can be like “what happened” and he’ll explain it to me. Overall, 7/10.

Subscribe now

You got a favorite Chicago dive? Let me know where I should go next.

-Morris

Hey Divas. Welcome back to Chicago Dive Report.

It’s been a minute! I kept meaning to write my November and December stories and then I did not do that. Sorry. But the hard work of a 14-hour play + the holidays are done, so now I can focus on what really matters, which is drinking. (IM JOKING!)

Some updates for the Chicago Dive Report community:

• I don’t work at Studio Three anymore, I teach yoga at my own studio now (Flannel Yoga), so you won’t get as many articles where I am wearing my work shirt.

• I sometimes house manage at Theater Wit now so maybe I will post articles in a different work shirt.

• Not much else going on! I’m just writing and teaching yoga and working in the theater. Fun fun fun. I almost wrote a Dive Report about the Arizona bars I went to over the holidays because they served Malort and Old Style.

AAAANNNNYYYYWAYS. This is about The North End. Let’s talk about The North End.

My beautiful fiancé Garrett came back from his home in South Carolina where there are no gay places to go, and we decided to stroll down to the gayborhood to see what we could see. We ended up hanging out at a table at The North End where we gossiped and did not watch the game at all. Here’s how it went.

Ambiance

This place is cute. It’s very much a sports bar, but also a gay bar. The bartenders all dress gay and flirt with you, and they’ll occasionally play Lana Del Rey over whatever football nonsense is going on.

One time, I saw a straight couple on a first date at The North End. It was really funny. I kept peeking behind my shoulder to watch them gradually realize they were at a gay bar, and perhaps worse, the boy in the couple was enough of a clown to pitch a sports bar as a first date.

Fellas: she does not want to go to the sports bar with you on a first date.

Anyways, it’s a cute place to watch muscular gay men watch football. The floors are less sticky than straight dive bars. Can’t complain. 8/10.

Drink Review

I sure did order a whiskey + ginger ale. And then I remembered “oh I should write a Dive Report about this.” And then I took four pictures. And then I stopped thinking about the article so I could lock in to hanging out with Garrett.

Drinks were very strong. The well whiskey is one of those artificially-flavored vanilla-adjacent ones, and the bartender filled the cup half-full with it, so the drinks tasted a bit like vanilla extract with soda. But that’s fine. I imagine that’s a plus for a lot of people. I seem to remember they were on the cheaper side, like $8 maybe. 6/10.

Safe for Girls & Gays?

As you know, we are gay. The North End is a gay bar. It’s pretty safe in there. I think if anyone tried to start trouble, one of the big gay muscle athletes behind the bar would jump it John-Wick style to beat up the bad guys. It’s cool. I think the bathrooms were gendered but I don’t really remember and I don’t think anyone would care if you flipped a coin to pick one.

It’s also not just for boys! At one point, a gaggle of lesbians took over the pool table and played very impressively. So really, The North End is for everybody.

Overall

It was fun to hang out with the love of my life. I was thinking about how I used to go to Lilly’s or Ravenswood Tavern alone and talk to strangers and then go home. I felt like lots of people around me at The North End were talking to strangers. That’s the best thing about bars. Lots of people are lonely and bars are one of the only places you can go pretend you aren’t lonely.

But I don’t do that anymore. I live with my best buddy, and we can either hang out at home or at some other place, and both options are always fun.

So! The North End is a very solid 9/10. I will be going back if I ever get into a sport or if I want to be around gay people not too far from where I live.

Subscribe now

You got a favorite Chicago dive? Let me know where I should go next.

-Morris

Hi. Welcome to Chicago Dive Report. Every month I’m gonna go drink a whiskey ginger someplace new in Chicago. Every month I’m gonna write about it.

Last month I went to The Annoyance on Halloween for Splatter Theatre. Here’s how it went.

(sorry it took like a month to publish this, I’ve been working on a 10-hour play that opens in a couple days. bit.ly/playsfortransfutures)

Ambiance

The Annoyance has been producing Splatter Theatre since 1987. I’ve seen it twice now. They change it a bit every year, but each year contains a campy horror storyline and a lot of blood.

This year, we sat in the splash zone in the front row. I nearly got hit with a raw chicken from the raw meat puppet show. I walked out of there covered in blood, as we all hoped for.

So the ambiance of the annoyance is very fringe and fun and classic. It is home to many of Chicago’s emerging comedians. It’s one of the first stages you can perform at before you actually get funny. (I’m joking, lots of their folks are funny).

So. Ambiance is like 8/10.

Drink Review

I don’t totally remember what we drank or how much it cost but it was great! I took garbage notes on Halloween. I was busy living in the moment.

However, I did spend a lot overall on Halloween. Dinner was $45 and then I spent like $40 on drinks and $70 on entry to Steamworks for me & Garrett.

But I feel like drinks were tasty. It’s a comedy place. They have to make good drinks to increase the laughter.

Drinks are 9/10.

Safe for Girls & Gays?

Well yes. The icons in the show seemed to be female and/or gay.

Safety is a solid 9/10. Would be higher, except I watched a DePaul student do cocaine in the changing room once.

Rest of the Night

We went to Bites for dinner then walked to The Annoyance then popped by North End after. Then me and Garrett went to Steamworks because we were super cold. Well, I was super cold. Garrett’s never been chilly in his life.

I like that you can just randomly go to a sauna at all hours of the day if you’re chilly. I don’t like that after a few drinks, I wasn’t pondering my budget, and I casually dropped a day’s paycheck on one night.

Dinner at Bites was great, they always are. We ate buckets of delicious sushi. I also like their mushroom noodles and lychee drinks. North End slayed. I should write a review of them sometime. It’s like a divey sports bar but everyone is gay. Steamworks slayed. I showed up shivering in my stupid thin shirt and left toasty as a piece of toast. 9/10.

Overall

The Annoyance is a classic. Reviewing The Annoyance is kind of like reviewing Wheat Thins. Everybody likes Wheat Thins! Come on. 9/10.

You got a favorite Chicago dive? Let me know where I should go next.

-Morris

Subscribe now

Hi friends,

You may have been thinking, “Where is this week’s Chicago Dive Report?” I have also been wondering that.

On September 24th, I wrote a review of my own engagement party. It was so fun and so silly. I have not been to a dive bar since then!

Subscribe now

Going forward, I’ll probably be writing more like 1-2 articles per month rather than the hefty 4-6 that Summer Morris was capable of.

Such is the natural order of things! We work on tasks and then find other tasks that we love even more.

I didn’t write about it here, but during September, I started teaching yoga full-time. I got an office with my fiancé & I registered a business & I made a website & I tore out carpet. It’s been really fun. It’s also eaten up my time for side quests.

So what the hell does Morris have to say this week? Well.

Ambiance: 10/10. I love hanging out at the new yoga studio.

Drink Review: 4/10. I cannot make very good coffee without a proper grinder / kettle setup.

Safe for girls & gays?: 11/10. Have you met me?

Overall: 10/10. It is a very joyful and exciting time in my life.

So anyways.

My buddies & I have a few more dive bars on the agenda. I HAVE to write an article about Lilly’s at some point. And plenty of other Chicago icons have yet to be explored.

But you can read all about that later.

For now, I am taking it easy and teaching nearly every day. Use code SCARY for 15% off a yoga class in October ;)

-Morris
flannelyoga.com

Hi. Welcome to Chicago Dive Report. Every week I’m gonna go drink a whiskey ginger someplace new in Chicago. Every week I’m gonna write about it.

This week I threw an engagement party at The Newport. Here’s how it went.

Ambiance

The Newport is a burlesque theater in Wrigleyville near that one intersection. It is by Rice N Bread, one of the best restaurants in Chicago if not the world.

The space is cozy and adjustable. We set up our food on one side of the room so folks could eat, mingle, or sit at a table. We used the stage for a slideshow presentation about why we want to get married. It was super cute.

I teach yoga at The Newport in one of the rehearsal rooms every Thursday, and sometimes we go see the show in the main theater after class. It’s really fun. I feel so lucky that I get to teach gay yoga at the burlesque theater & hang out here & be so immersed in the Chicago indie arts scene.

Plus, everyone who works at The Newport is fabulous.

Now, is this a dive? Possibly. I would say that it doesn’t qualify as a dive bar, but if “dive” encompasses all businesses on the outskirts of professional society, then sure. You wouldn’t find a finance guy at The Newport. Unless he was secretly cool.

So. Ambiance is 10/10.

Drink Review

I did not order a whiskey + ginger ale at my own engagement party.

The blueberry mules were good and the wine was good too. I have nothing to say about cost-effectiveness since I was not paying attention to that.

We also ordered pizza from Bonci and donuts from Do-Rite. Usually I’d take a picture of any food for the article, but I was a little bit busy. Sorry for the sub-par journalism about my own engagement party. Whoopsie.

Anyways. I’d say drinks are 9/10.

Safe for Girls & Gays?

Wrigleyville is famously scary for anyone other than Straight Cubs Fans. However, The Newport doesn’t even feel like Wrigleyville once you walk through the doors. Everyone is gay and/or not a man. The bathrooms don’t have genders. It’s a great time. 10/10.

Overall

Me & Garrett had a great time getting all our friends and family together to act sickeningly sappy.

We gave presentations about why we love each other. In case you missed it, my top 7 reasons why I plan to marry Garrett are:

1. He is very beautiful

2. He is nice to everybody

3. His brain is usually very big

4. He takes good care of me

5. He is the best communicator ever

6. We go on lots of adventures

7. I love him a lot.

He also said some nice things about me at the party, too. You’ll have to ask him about that, though.

So we had a great time and so did all our friends & family. I’m happy to report that the Newport is 10/10.

Subscribe now

You got a favorite Chicago dive? Let me know where I should go next.

-Morris

Hi. Welcome to Chicago Dive Report. Every week I’m gonna go drink a whiskey ginger someplace new in Chicago. Every week I’m gonna write about it.

Before we get started this week, I want to tell you about my other adventure. I’m stating a yoga studio in Uptown, so you might get a few more Uptown reviews. You can check it out at flannelyoga.com and you can use code UPTOWN for a free class. Anyways.

This week, me and my friends got Pho at Nha Hang, then we got drinks at Big Chicks afterwards. Here’s how it went.

Ambiance

We arrived at Big Chicks and made a beeline for the patio. The patio is super cute, with a surplus of tables and rainbow holiday lights around the perimeter. We snagged the last big table and got to gossiping.

Everyone at Big Chicks is cool. You know how Sidetrack has that bodybuilding competition vibe? Where everyone is a cis gay man in identical Zara outfits? There’s none of that at Big Chicks. This is a spot for leather mommies and bears and people with quirky genders. I love when I go someplace where everyone has style & personality. Ambiance is 10/10.

Drink Review

I did try a whiskey ginger. It was pretty good. Their well whiskey is above average. Very sweet and balanced.

I also ordered an orchard spritz, which was basically apple cider with champagne. That was good too. The spritz was $10 and the whiskey + ginger ale was $8. Not bad! Drinks are 10/10.

Safe for Girls & Gays?

So this is a gay bar. Which means it is pretty safe for girls and gays. The most dangerous thing about it is you might have to wait in line for the bathrooms, which surprisingly, had genders, but only in French. 9/10.

Overall

Sometimes, you eat a delicious giant bowl of soup with six of your closest friends. Sometimes you grab a couple beverages after. Sometimes you walk home and see an unfortunate car and begin to laugh uncontrollably in the street.

Big Chicks is an underrated hidden gem. But let’s keep it that way. Don’t start bringing your Zara bodybuilder friends around. Let’s keep it weird. 9/10.

Subscribe now

You got a favorite Chicago dive? Let me know where I should go next.

-Morris

Hi. Welcome to Chicago Dive Report. Every week I’m gonna go drink a whiskey ginger someplace new in Chicago. Every week I’m gonna write about it.

This week, I went to a storytelling event at Kibbitznest to see my friend Gracie read a story she wrote. Here’s how it went.

Ambiance

Kibbitznest is in the cool part of Lincoln Park. It’s by the highway and the Wendy’s. I ate some chicken nuggets before arriving at the function.

Upon entering Kibbitznest, you’ll notice a bunch of “no wi-fi” signs. Unfortunately, that makes me cringe. It’s very dated to assert that a “wi-fi-free zone” means anything in today’s world. Who cares? We all have cellular data. You aren’t encouraging social interaction; you’re discouraging people bringing their laptops to get work done.

Aside from the cringe factor, Kibbitznest is pretty cute. They’ve got walls of books, games, and knickknacks. They sell ice cream and snacks alongside an extensive bar and cafe menu.

And the vibes for storytelling night were 11/10. Everyone was talking to each other. I met like a dozen new people. We all packed into the back room to celebrate our friends’ stories. After we heard the stories for the night, we grabbed another round and piled onto the sofas to play card games. It was sort of magical. 10/10.

Drink Review

Since storytelling night was on a Wednesday, I had to drive from my tutoring job in the suburbs. That meant I’d be driving home. That meant no alcohol for Morris.

I ordered a root beer float. It was so tasty, but I wish the ice cream did not melt so much. I don’t think you can control that factor of a root beer float, though.

Drinks were a little bit expensive. This place has a whole lot of $13 cocktails. I think my float was like in the $12 range, but I forgot to write that down. And I would never look up the menu while writing one of these.

Getting a root beer float at a bar is 10/10. Overall, drinks seem a little expensive, so maybe 8/10.

Safe for Girls & Gays?

Not to bring up cringe again, HOWEVER:

I mean, come on. It isn’t 2012 anymore. This sort of thing is tacky. But the bathrooms are genderless. Lots of women hang out at Kibbitznest because women are statistically much smarter and cooler than men, so obviously they go to the book bars.

This area has some very hetero spots nearby, so safety is like 9/10.

Overall

I had a chill time. I’d recommend it.

It was fun to hear a bunch of stories. It was fun to meet lots of new people and chat about our favorite gigs and foods and light temperatures. I signed up to read at the one in October. I’ll probably be back many more times. 9/10.

Subscribe now

You got a favorite Chicago dive? Let me know where I should go next.

-Morris

Hi. Welcome to Chicago Dive Report. Every week I’m gonna go drink a whiskey ginger someplace new in Chicago. Every week I’m gonna write about it.

This week, I went to karaoke at Driftwood on Saturday night. One fun fact about me is that I’m actually on the board of the neighborhood association. I send emails and make posts for the things they organize, and this was one of them. So I dragged the fiancé out of the house and we sang some songs. Here’s how it went.

Ambiance

Imagine a diver bar in your mind.

Driftwood looks like that.

Think crusty wood, bad lighting, pool table, bizarre art, Cubs game, old people bartending. We sat between a sleepy alcoholic and a group of energetic millennials.

The vibe was probably even more fun than usual for karaoke. Most of the folks who showed up to sing gave off a certain 2008 Tumblr Twee Zooey Deschanel Obama Hopefulness energy that’s hard to find these days.

The crowd sang a great selection of classics, including Starships by Nicki Minaj and Mr. Brightside by The Killers. At one point, someone sang “Bad Idea, Right?” by Olivia Rodrigo, and the crowd of straight guys by the bar chimed in to shout the backup vocals.

Around 10PM, I gave a little announcement asking everyone to join the neighborhood association. Around 11PM, folks started dancing to the music. It made me think about how maybe this kind of environment naturally dissolves the ego. When everyone is singing and dancing and having a good time, it doesn’t really matter if you’re straight, you can still sing Olivia Rodrigo.

Driftwood also has a small selection of games you can play. Darts & pool & Big Buck Hunter. Garrett pointed out that the high score on the golf game is currently held by “DB Cooper.” The rest of the scoreboard is empty, if you’re interested in competitive bar golf video games. Ambiance on Saturday was 9/10.

Drink Review

This was a very nice whiskey + ginger ale. Very balanced. Neither too strong nor too sweet. I can’t complain. 9/10.

Safe for Girls & Gays?

We were certainly not the only gay people at Driftwood. The whole crowd had a certain “watched Dan & Phil growing up” energy that created a blanket level of security in the whole space.

That being said, on non-karaoke nights I could see how this could turn into a straight bar.

Bathrooms were gendered but no one would care if you flipped a coin to pick one. Safety is 8/10.

Overall

It was fun to meet the other neighborhood association folks that I’d only met on zoom. It was fun to hear a mixed bag of music from ABBA to Chappell Roan to Talking Heads. It was magical to walk to the bar on the first night of fall, hearing the cicadas winding down as the wind picks up.

It was kind of comforting to be here. It reminded me of my first job at Redline VR, an arcade bar that closed last year. Redline VR karaoke nights always felt like cozy neighborhood hangouts, and so did Saturday at Driftwood. Overall, we have to give Driftwood a 9/10.

Subscribe now

You got a favorite Chicago dive? Let me know where I should go next.

-Morris

Welcome to Chicago Dive Report. Every week I’m gonna go drink a whiskey ginger someplace new in Chicago. Every week I’m gonna write about it.

This week is a little different. I am still reviewing a Chicago dive bar. But this week, for the first time in this series, I went someplace alone.

Being alone with my thoughts inspired me to consider the utility of drinking within Chicago culture and, by extension, American culture as a whole. But we’ll get to that later.

To start out my story of a weekend of pondering the philosophy of the malt beverage: I went to Ravens after work on Friday. Here’s how it went.

Ambiance

I went to Ravens (no apostrophe) after work on Friday. I work at a gym in Lincoln Park sometimes. On Friday, it was around ninety degrees and humid. Scattered thunderstorms. Screaming cicadas. I texted some friends to ask if we wanted to go someplace together, but the gang was busy that night. I checked the bus times on my phone. I could stand in the sticky sunlight for thirty minutes, waiting for the sweat on my ears to paste my headphones permanently to my head. Or, I could pop in to Ravens.

My first impression was “wow they’re playing pretty good music for a boring straight dive bar.” We started with Arctic Monkeys, then pivoted in the more classic rock direction. The bartender greeted me with an incomprehensible midwestern accent. I ordered a whiskey and ginger ale. I had to pay in cash; they have a $10 card minimum. After that, I sat at a table and took little notes for my article.

I noticed that even though Ravens is a notorious straight bar for DePaul kids who should’ve gone home six hours ago, it’s kind of nice at 7PM on a Friday. It is much nicer to wait for the bus inside than outside. The patio was packed with friends catching up on work gossip. The inside harbored a handful of ESPN fans.

People don’t tend to go to bars alone unless they’re on the alcoholism spectrum or if they love sports or if they have to finish a dive bar review for their fifteen subscribers. But it was actually kind of enjoyable. I didn’t have to project any kind of social skills or confidence. I could pay as much or as little attention to the sports as I wanted to. I read a gay hockey romance novel on my phone for a bit and then hopped on the bus home.

This place is such a Lincoln Park standard. I wish it would’ve had something unique or local or quirky or maybe some dogs. Ambiance was 7/10.

Drink Review

I ordered the Morris special: well whiskey and ginger ale. It was one of the better tasting ones out of the places I’ve been to lately. Very balanced, not too sweet, not too strong. It cost $7. It gave me a little buzz after my day of hot weather and work and not enough food. 10/10.

Safe for Girls & Gays?

My initial impression was not ideal. There were some real Lincoln Park bro-ey types at the bar. I suspect the vibe gets worse late at night when it’s packed with the entire DePaul Greek life scene.

However, some women hang out at Ravens. One woman sat at the bar watching the game. A few drank beers on the patio. They do display a Ravens crop top for sale behind the bar, so there must be female and/or gay regulars.

Bathrooms are gendered but single-stall. I’m sure they don’t love homosexuals as much as I do, but I’d go back. Safety at 7PM on Friday was a solid 8/10.

The Rest of the Weekend

Here’s where my philosophizing comes in.

After scribbling down my notes on Ravens, I took the bus back home. I changed out of my sweaty work uniform and texted a few other friends, just checking in. My neighbor bestie Connor agreed to catch up somewhere in our neighborhood. We found ourselves at a bar table, and I found myself drinking beverage #2. I walked home and opened the fridge. Heated up some pasta and cracked open beverage #3. I realized that I wasn’t even thinking about it much, I was just going through the motion of maintaining a mildly fuzzy feeling. I ended up putting half of my can of cider back in the fridge.

On Saturday I worked a shift in River North. I sprinted to catch the bus in the ninety degree heat. I sat on the bus in traffic for a good hour. I made lunch and took a nap. Then I got ready to go to a party. Getting ready involved drinking the second half of Friday’s cider, plus a homemade whiskey maple sour. At the party, I helped declutter the refrigerator. I gulped down four beers in four hours. I realized I should slow down and start thinking about protecting my liver and getting good rest, so I switched to Stiegl Radler. I got too sleepy to keep hanging out and decided to walk home.

Mid-walk, the sky split in half. I discarded my to-go can on somebody’s stoop and took off in a sprint. Within minutes, it was raining sideways, lit up every few moments with distant heat lightning.

I took my shirt off. It was the first time I’d taken my shirt off in a rainstorm since I was maybe six years old. (I had tits until this past October.) I couldn’t stop laughing. I felt like a kid again, playing in the rain, but free enough to run around at night.

When I unlocked the door to my apartment, my fiancé was standing at the door, towels in hand. He wrapped me up and dried my hair. After showering and changing, he tucked me into bed and let me have his stuffed Mickey to cling to while I watched the lightning from the window next to my pillow. I remembered staying up late to watch thunderstorms when I was a kid. I fell asleep.

On Sunday, I popped a Tylenol and drank quite a lot of water. And coffee.

My weekend total was eight drinks and half of a Radler. That is quite a lot! Alcohol is poison. It is very bad for you. And the enjoyment and excitement of the weekend could have happened on eight glasses of soda if I was sober. But that isn’t the culture that we’re in. We live in a culture where we can only let ourselves play and laugh and remember what being a kid was like while drinking. This is neither good nor bad. In my weekend of philosophizing, I never thought “wow we should reinstate the eighteenth amendment.”

Instead, I wondered: what else can I do to let the child within me take the wheel more often? What can I do to let my friends and loved ones do the same? That would be a nice world to live in. We would spend a lot of time laughing.

Overall

So. Back to Ravens.

I did not have to wait outside for the bus. I did not have to pretend to be cool or social or interesting. I did not have to wear anything fancy or order anything fancy. I got to blend into the sticky wood panels and read my book and move on. And that’s a little bit magical. Overall, my experience was a solid 8/10.

Subscribe now

You got a favorite Chicago dive? Let me know where I should go next.

-Morris

Hi. Welcome to Chicago Dive Report. Every week I’m gonna go drink a whiskey ginger someplace new in Chicago. Every week I’m gonna write about it.

This week, I did not go to a dive bar. Every night, I ended my day thinking “wow I cannot wait to go home and rest” instead of “wow I cannot wait to go someplace dusty for a beverage.”

So instead, I went on a date with my fiancé Garrett to one of our usual spots. Here’s how it went.

Ambiance

Bar on Buena is one of the eight restaurants in Buena Park. Buena Park is a skinny little slice of Uptown between Montrose and Irving Park. The closest thing we have to tourism is extra parking for Cubs games.

So Bar on Buena has an ultra-local vibe that you won’t find in too many neighborhoods. I sometimes run into the staff at 7-Eleven or the grocery store.

On Sunday night, they were playing Star Trek behind the bar. The server’s best friend was training for a big run outside, sprinting up and down Broadway, pausing at the window for water. Garrett & I sat by the giant garage-door-style window and chatted about our week.

This doesn’t really count as a dive, but I am allowed to draw outside the lines with these reviews every now and then. Ambiance is always a 10/10.

Drink Review

I’ve been to Bar on Buena a handful of times, but I’d never ordered a whiskey + ginger ale. This was a bit of a heavy pour for me. It tasted kind of like a full glass of whiskey and a dropper full of ginger ale.

We also ordered food. I took a blurry picture of Garrett’s quesadilla. He liked it. I liked my club sandwich. No complaints. Food here generally costs within the $12-18 range and drinks are in the $6-12 range.

In the past, I’ve loved their grilled cheeses and pineapple amaro spritzes. Garrett loves that Bar on Buena has diet coke. Always ask for garlic aioli to go with fries. Drinks and food are 9/10.

Safe for Girls & Gays?

Garrett told me I could publish a picture of him as long as he looked pretty in it. He always looks pretty. I’m going to marry him!

Anyways. We’re gay. So were half the other people hanging out at Bar on Buena on a Sunday night. The booth next to us was gossiping about gay cartoons all evening. The server said to Garrett “I like your Juno t-shirt.”

I think bathrooms are gendered but nobody is going to cause problems if you pick randomly. Buena Park is lowkey one of the gayer neighborhoods in Chicago. I’m fairly sure at least six of my neighbors are transgender, and that’s just one block!

So gay + girl safety is 10/10.

Overall

I humbly apologize to the fans that this isn’t a dive bar and also I’m a day late. However, sometimes I get sleepy and don’t want to do the quest I’ve set for myself. Anyways. We always have a chill time when we go to Bar on Buena. The only thing that would make it better would be if food and drinks were $1 and if they had like a cat or a dog in there. 9/10.

Subscribe now

You got a favorite Chicago dive? Let me know where I should go next.

-Morris

Hi. Welcome to Chicago Dive Report. Every week I’m gonna go drink a whiskey ginger someplace new in Chicago. Every week I’m gonna write about it.

This week, I went to Tin Lizzie after teaching yoga at The Newport. Everyone who took yoga that day went too, and we met up with even more friends at the bar. Here’s how it went.

Ambiance

This was easily the most immediately unenjoyable bar I’ve ever written about. I walked in then instantly texted the group: “should we go somewhere else?”

Tin Lizzie was throwing a Detroit Lions party on Thursday. They’d decked the place out in blue and grey tablecloths, balloons, a disco ball, beer pong, corn hole, and several security guys. However, “party” implies fun and lots of people. This place was half-empty yet somehow louder than Wrigley during a Cubs game. They just blasted the TV at max volume through the speakers.

At one point, someone at the Lions game sang the national anthem and somebody behind the bar turned the volume way up. We all stood and took our hats off. It was weird.

Since we were some of the only folks there, we received many free samples. I personally was handed two shots of whiskey and two Jell-O shots and a high noon by the beverage company workers staffing the place. Along with free drinks, we got Sky Vodka promotional baseball hats at the door. And we didn’t even pay a cover. After all that free booze, the vibes weren’t quite so negative.

Apparently, the guy who invented the Jell-O shot passed away recently. Fly high, angel. Anyways.

I imagine that part of the strange vibes were due to Lollapalooza this weekend. No one goes to Tin Lizzie on Lollapalooza Thursday. If the volume of the bar was normaler, we may have even played a board game.

On Fridays and Saturdays, Tin Lizzie hosts turtle races. This concerns me because I don’t think turtles are supposed to exercise. I could be wrong, but something about drunk people shouting at turtles in a loud bar feels like animal abuse. I was hoping that I would find a quiet bar with a giant terrarium turtle paradise in the back. I did not observe that. Maybe the turtles live a luxurious pro-athlete lifestyle in the home of one of the employees. Hopefully.

While I love my friends, this place felt a bit too much like I’d wandered into somebody else’s frat party. 3/10.

Drink Review

My buddy Isabelle bought me a whiskey + ginger ale because I helped her move earlier that day. It was mostly whiskey with a splash of ginger ale. I have no idea how much it cost. I have no idea how much anything cost. I got silly for free.

I did, however, purchase a chicken Caesar wrap. It cost $18 after tax and tip, which is too much money. It was bad. It tasted like stale Trader Joe’s air fryer food. It came with frozen Arby’s fries, though, which are always good.

A few of my buds ordered pizza, which also looked and tasted a bit like freezer pizza. That’s okay though. Everyone liked their beverages, both free and paid for.

So while food was 4/10, drinks were 8/10.

Safe for Girls & Gays?

As I mentioned in my review of The Other Side Bar, Lincoln Park is a historically heterosexual neighborhood. Tin Lizzie is an especially masculine bar. The whole place reeked of Old Spice and insecurity. It felt like all the washed-up Chicago consultants like to hang out at Tin Lizzie to re-live their DePaul frat glory days. I’m being judgmental. I’m sure everyone there is normal.

The bathrooms were gendered. A few of the staff appeared to be women and appeared to be having a normal time. 5/10.

Overall

I am always happy to set my yoga mat down on a sticky bar floor and hang out with my buds on a Thursday night. This place was kind of overstimulating and annoying, but in the end it did not matter because we all drank a lot. And then we walked over to Kala and got more snacks. We had a chill time. 5/10.

I’ve been thinking that it would be fun to interview someone in a future installment of Chicago Dive Report. Do you have a quirky job or a project I can interview you about at a bar? Send me an email.

Subscribe now

You got a favorite Chicago dive? Let me know where I should go next.

-Morris

Hi. Welcome to Chicago Dive Report. Every week I’m gonna go drink a whiskey ginger someplace new in Chicago. Every week I’m gonna write about it.

This week, I got back from France engaged and invited all the girlies out to gossip about it. We went to Map Room in Wicker Park because they have pizza on Tuesdays.

Also, huge shoutout to my dad for becoming the first paid subscriber. If you want a shoutout in the next post, you should become a paid subscriber ❤️.

Ambiance

I took quite shitty pictures of this one. Basically, imagine a clean dive bar with a bunch of maps and art and books. Like somebody decided to mop and decorate, but you can still tell that the bones are divey.

I saw a bunch of folks on computers seemingly focused on tasks at 7pm on Tuesday. It added a certain “coworking space” vibe that kind of clashed with the bar experience.

Map Room is a coffee shop during the day and a bar at night, so you could theoretically hang out there all day long.

The bar was a bit crowded, but I can’t be mad that a business is succeeding. 7/10.

Drink Review

I ordered a whiskey with ginger ale. It came in a tiny little cup that was mostly whiskey with a splash of ginger ale. Probably the strongest ratio out of all the bars I’ve reviewed so far.

I asked the table, and everyone liked their drinks. Hallie liked that they used good limes. On Tuesdays, wine is $5 so we also got a few glasses of pinot grigio, which was solid. Neither exceptional nor bad, which is just what you want out of dive bar wine.

We thought there’d be a pizza food truck based on the incomprehensible Map Room website post, but it turns out they just have some guys cooking pizzas on the patio on Tuesdays. They had two pizza ovens and a bunch of bags of ingredients, but no truck. Obviously when somebody’s uncle throws food together outside, it tastes like mana from heaven. We scarfed down four pizzas between the seven of us. Pepperoni was the best, since it got all charred and greasy in the pizza oven. Cheese was also good. Yum.

As always, the camera eats last. Here is a picture of our nearly demolished pizzas.

Drinks & pizza earned a 9/10.

Safe for Girls & Gays?

We were definitely the only crowd of girls + gays loudly gossiping about boys on the patio. But I’m not expecting Sidetrack behavior out of any of these places.

The bathrooms were gendered (sad) but that’s ok. The bartenders looked kind of lgbtq+ in my opinion. On a Tuesday night, the vibes are solid, with lots of different kinds of folks enjoying pizza and beverages and friendship and computer tasks.

In general, we had a chill time. 8/10.

Overall

Maybe my opinion is clouded by the joy of seeing my friends, but I had a great time at Map Room. We sat outside and the weather was nice and we ate four pizzas and hashed out all our boy gossip. What more could you ask for? 9/10.

Subscribe now

You got a favorite Chicago dive? Let me know where I should go next.

-Morris

Hi. Welcome to Chicago Dive Report. Every week I’m gonna go drink a whiskey ginger someplace new in Chicago. Every week I’m gonna write about it.

This week, I went to Joe’s On Broadway after teaching yoga down the street. Here’s how it went.

Ambiance

Joe’s is a little grimy. Very divey. Me, Hallie, Simi, and Alex walked over from The Newport after I taught yoga on Thursday night. I felt a little icky about putting my stuff on the floor, but that’s fine. Dive bars are supposed to have unwashed floors. It is part of the charm. You can Lysol your bag when you get home after.

Everybody except us appeared to be a heterosexual above the age of 40. However, that might not be the usual at Joe’s. A glance at the bar revealed several memorial pamphlets scattered between empty shot glasses. It seemed we happened to walk in as a funeral afterparty was coming to a close.

The decor was exceptionally divey. Crusty ceiling panels, sticky wood furniture, stained grout, haunted wall decor, Christmas lights, photographs.

The music was befuddling. Mostly, club hits. At another moment, that song that goes “I just had sex and it felt so good.” At one point we were talking about abortion and we heard the kind of music that plays during those sad dog adoption commercials. Overall, the ambience was 6/10.

Drink Review

I actually ordered a whiskey + ginger ale this time. It was decent, maybe a bit more on the whiskey than ginger side this time. Hallie and Simi ordered vodka + lemonade and got nearly full cups of vodka. Alex drank a beer which was allegedly decent and $4. I didn’t pay for drinks because I’d just taught yoga, and that’s yoga teacher privilege. Drinks are 8/10.

Safe for Girls & Gays?

Well. Uh. We were fine. The bartender definitely ignored us for a solid ten minutes, even when I did the whole “lean on the bar and look directly at his eyes while my credit card is visibly in my hand” thing. But that probably isn’t discrimination; some folks just live in their own little world.

The bathrooms were single-stall but gendered. But that’s fine. We had a chill time. 6/10.

Overall

I’m not sure I’d go back to Joe’s. Part of the fun of dive bars is to go someplace I know I don’t belong and find a way to belong there anyways. But I got the sense that Joe’s is so stuck in time that any interlopers will never truly be capable of fading into the tapestry. That’s okay. Not everything is for me. 7/10.

You got a favorite Chicago dive? Let me know where I should go next.

-Morris

Subscribe now

Hi. Welcome to Chicago Dive Report. Every week I’m gonna go drink a whiskey ginger someplace new in Chicago. Every week I’m gonna write about it.

This is a special post from the past. I’m scheduling it to hit your inbox while I am in France. Let me know if you want a special “Paris Dive Report” when I get back. That could be silly.

This week, I went to The Whistler to read some poems and get some feedback as a part of the Test Literary Series. Here’s how it went.

Ambiance

In a way, The Whistler isn’t exactly a dive. It feels like it could have been a dive once, but now it is so Logan-Square-ified that the only cheap thing on the menu is a PBR. That’s not necessarily a bad thing.

My friend Connor came to watch me read some poems. He said that he thought the driver dropped him off in the wrong spot because of how haunted the outside of this building looks. It’s kind of like a beige storefront with a bunch of silver balloons in a dark window.

I asked Connor “does this even count as a dive?” and he said “the exterior makes up for the interior, so yes, it is a dive.”

The inside was very nice, though. Cozy and well-lit. The Whistler has a stage, some cute little tables, a bar, and a back patio. It felt a little too well-loved to be properly divey. Still, I liked the casual-yet-clean thing they had going on. 9/10.

Drink Review

In a move that shocks no one, I did not order the thing I keep saying I am going to order. To be fair, I got a free drink as one of the featured writers, so I obviously got one of the expensive drinks. An old fashioned was $15 and did not even come with a cherry or an orange peel.

I liked that my name was on the menu, though. And they had $7 boxed wine which wasn’t that bad. And everything was tasty enough. 7/10.

Safe for Girls & Gays?

I don’t think there was a heterosexual in the entire building. However, that could be more of a reflection of the event than the location.

They had gendered bathrooms, unfortunately. However, the urinal was out of order in the men’s restroom, so I think that counts as a little bit non-binary.

Vibes were good. Lots of girls and gays. 9/10.

Overall

I had a chill time. It was fun to spend a Wednesday night at a literary event. I got some extra useful feedback on my poems. Then we got to walk around Logan Square and get snacks afterwards.

While this wasn’t the diveyest spot in the world, it still seemed like a place where a bunch of regular folks could sit around and be themselves, which is the only thing that matters. I’d go back, even without the free drink ticket. 8/10.

Subscribe now

You got a favorite Chicago dive? Let me know where I should go next.

-Morris

Hi. Welcome to Chicago Dive Report. Every week I’m gonna go drink a whiskey ginger someplace new in Chicago. Every week I’m gonna write about it.

This week I didn’t drink a whiskey ginger because I did not want one. My commitment to journalistic integrity is a little bit mid.

Anyways. On Monday after work, I walked over to The Other Side Bar. Here’s how it went.

Ambiance

The Other Side Bar is fucked up because it is connected to The Pasta Bowl. You read that correctly. A Chili’s-level franchise sits one uncovered archway away from this dive bar.

I don’t think most people would care. In fact, it is cool that you can get pasta at the bar. However, one of my friends works at The Pasta Bowl in Wicker Park and is always suffering on the clock over there. But the folks working on Monday in Lincoln Park told me they were having a chill time.

Other than Pasta Bowl adjacence, the ambience is pretty solid. They’ve got some games and some Christmas lights. Some chalk art on the walls. Sports and Marvel movies on TV. On a Monday at 9pm it was nice and empty but allegedly it gets pretty busy on weekends.

Around 9:45, my partner Garrett joined me after his rehearsal up the street. We ate late dinner and gossiped and then caught the bus home. I would say ambience is a 7/10.

Drink Review

If I see ranch water on the menu, I am ordering it. One ranch water was ten dollars. I also got a Miller Lite for three dollars. It was all fine. I don’t anticipate much variation in quality with a tequila soda + a beer.

My shift at work that day was from 5pm to 9pm, so I was hungry. I ordered bbq wings, which allegedly were very good as far as wings go. I had literally never eaten chicken wings with bones in them in my whole life. I did not like the sensory experience of eating wings but that’s definitely a me problem.

Garrett made fun of me for trying to eat wings with a fork and knife. He had a chicken caesar wrap and said it was very good. He also drank a mule and liked it. Food and drinks for both of us came out to $52. So food and drink was like an 8/10.

I also got these great pics of our half-eaten food. Camera eats last!

Safe for Girls & Gays?

One of the bartenders was a woman (I think) and one of the servers was a someone I went to college with who I am pretty sure is gay (they have a nose ring and a theatre degree).

Garrett told me there is one boy bathroom and two genderless bathrooms. I forgot to check, so I just have to trust him on this.

While we were there, I felt very normal. However, Lincoln Park is a historically heterosexual neighborhood. It probably gets a little bro-ey-er on weekends. 7/10.

Overall

We had a pretty chill time. I’m glad I could get food after my shift. It was fun to chat with the servers and bartenders. It was fun to let the love of my life show me how chicken wings are traditionally eaten. 8/10.

You got a favorite Chicago dive? Let me know where I should go next.

-Morris

Subscribe now

Hi. Welcome to Chicago Dive Report. Every week I’m gonna go drink a whiskey ginger someplace new in Chicago. Every week I’m gonna write about it.

This week, I met up with a couple buddies at Keenan O’Reilly’s. Here’s how it went.

Ambiance

The space was pretty divey. They had the Cubs game on the TV. A few stacks of Irish American News by the door. A pool table and a table tennis setup. Leprechaun cutouts hanging up on the wall. When I arrived, the place was nearly empty. Around 9 it started filling up with locals, including a few neighbors with very cute and friendly dogs. They had an arcade game that looked kind of like digital bowling but it kept spitting out our dollar. Me and my friends played Connect 4 but unfortunately I lost. If I would have won, I would rate the ambience higher, but for now it is like 7/10.

Drink Review

The whiskey ginger was really sweet. It was pretty good. It cost $5. For the sake of journalism, I planned to only order one drink at each one of these places I go. But Old Style is $3 on Wednesdays so I got an Old Style too, and that was pretty good, but it dulled my senses so that I lost at Connect 4. So drinks are like 8/10.

Safe for Girls & Gays?

I’m famously transgender, and my friend Ellie is famously a woman. We had a chill time. Lincoln’s identity is anonymous and he had a chill time. Gabriel was the most wary of a place without gays, but in the end he had a chill time.

The bathrooms do have genders, and most of the people in the room appeared to be heterosexual men with an interest in baseball. That did not end up impacting our ability to have a good time. I would say Keenan O’Reilly’s is a 7/10 safe for girls and gays on an early Wednesday night.

Overall

It was solid. We went to Diner Grill after (a 1 minute walk away) and ate some tasty food. Ellie had the most fun because she likes baseball and Irish people. I would probably go back because I need to reclaim my title as Connect 4 champion. I liked that they had cute dogs. 8/10.

You got a favorite Chicago dive? Let me know where I should go next.

-Morris